There are times when I wake up in the morning and immediately my mind starts racing through All Of The Things that need to get done and before I have walked the short distance to the coffee pot, my anxiety is churning. I don’t know if you can relate to this, but here is just an example of the crazy in my head on a typical morning-
I drink some coffee while trying to read my Bible, but I am keenly aware of the ticking of the clock, despite my attempt to focus. I need to be exercising by 5:00 am if I am going to get a workout in that morning in order to be ready for work. I do that, prepare the crockpot for dinner, clean up the kitchen and prod #4 to be on time for the bus. It’s chaotic as I run my mental checklist of animals, kids, things that need doing, etc. prior to walking out the door. I work all day, walk back in and finish making dinner. Three nights a week I take #4 to an activity (one night of Boy Scouts, two nights of karate). There are things to prepare for the next day, bills to pay, relationships to invest in. My mind is in a constant swirl of things I need to do vs things I want to do vs things I dream of having time to do. And, I’ll be honest, some days I am overcome with anxiety and a racing heart that somehow all of these things are going to fall apart if I just stopped to take a break.
But here is one thing I have learned, one small activity that can change the trajectory of the chaos that can spin in my mind when I think it is my job to keep the world spinning:
In my journal, at the top, I write “God, what do you want me to hear from you today?” And then I sit. I stare at the blank page and fidget. I don’t look at the clock. I make myself stay. Often, the very simple step of sitting still and writing this begins to unwind my heart. If you ask God to speak to you, He will. And then I write the truths that He impresses upon my heart, the whispers to my soul of the things that I need to remember.
I am holding too tightly.
I am too hard on myself, holding myself to impossible standards.
I need to release what isn’t mine to carry.
These are hard things sometimes. I kinda want to argue back at God, but ultimately I know these things are true…because what God is really asking me is for me to have faith. Faith that He has this, faith that I can do what I should do, but then release the outcomes to him.
And my to do list unwinds, my breathing slows, and I remember again to breathe.